The baby diaries

My daughter is now 5 months old...and as I like to put it...so is my stomach.
I look at my baby and see a life that I never knew possibly existed outside of my ritualistic existence.
My question is this...how do I continue on this path, that is so difficult to maintain normalcy - when more than anything, all I want to do is run back into the arms of being numb, never feeling...untouchable.
However, by doing this, I risk teaching my young daughter how to walk in those footsteps..which I vowed never to do. No one understands this mental anguish that I am dealing with..when I speak of it, I am "ridiculous", "how can I say such a thing knowing that I created such a beautiful baby". To those that say it, I agree with them...on the outside. However, on this inside, I am silently screaming..